Everyone else seems to be handling life better than me

If everyone around you seems to manage work, chores and a social life without falling apart, it's easy to conclude something is wrong with you. Usually the comparison is broken, not you. You can see other people's output. You can't see what it costs them.

You see output, not cost

Two people can work the same job, keep the same tidy kitchen and show up to the same dinners while paying very different prices for it. One finishes the day with energy left. The other gets home and lies on the floor for an hour. From the outside, they look identical.

Competence is not the same thing as having energy left over.

Things that change the price of functioning

• Support. A partner who cooks, a parent who babysits or a cleaner every other week lowers the cost of the same life.
• Money. Financial stress takes up mental space, and money buys shortcuts: delivery, taxis, takeaway on a bad night.
• Health and sleep. Chronic pain, illness, hormones and poor sleep raise the cost of everything.
• Neurodivergence. ADHD and autism can make transitions, decisions and sensory input more expensive. See why simple tasks feel so hard.
• History. Growing up in an unpredictable home can leave you running a background scan for danger that other people don't have to run.

Some people hide it very well

Plenty of people who look like they are coping are borrowing heavily from tomorrow. They are high functioning and exhausted, holding it together at work and collapsing at home. You compare your inside to their outside, and their outside is curated.

What to do with this

Stop using someone else's visible output as proof of what your nervous system should be able to do. A better question is: given what my life actually costs me right now, what's realistic? That's not lowering the bar. It's measuring the right thing.

Try the Hidden Task Cost Calculator on one thing you keep judging yourself for, or read executive dysfunction or lack of discipline?

When to get support

If you feel like you're always running behind everyone else and it's wearing you down, therapy can help you work out why and what would help. Read about burnout and ADHD burnout or book a free 15-minute consult.

Start with a conversation. A free 15-minute video call to see whether we're a good fit. Questions first? Email [email protected]. Book a free consult