Why do I take things so personally?

It means reading an event as a statement about you: your worth, your standing, whether you're wanted. A short reply becomes "they're annoyed with me." A meeting you weren't invited to becomes "I don't matter here."

It isn't self-centeredness, and it isn't the same as narcissism. Most people who take things personally are very aware of other people. They're just quick to assume the worst about where they stand.

• A change in someone's tone, or a shorter message than usual
• Being left out of a decision, a meeting or a conversation
• Plans changing without warning
• Feedback delivered in public
• Silence after you've shared something
• Seeing other people included in something you weren't

Being left out touches belonging, which matters a lot to most people. Even when there's an ordinary explanation (a scheduling mistake, a small group by necessity), the first reaction can be "I'm on the outside." It's worth taking the feeling seriously without treating it as the full story.

If being overlooked, criticized or excluded was common earlier in life, a current moment can carry extra weight. The reaction is partly to what's happening now and partly to what it resembles. That doesn't mean every reaction comes from the past. It means it's worth asking whether this one feels familiar.

When you don't have enough information, your mind fills the gap, and anxious minds fill it with the worst option. Sudden changes, unclear roles and silence all create gaps.

Tiredness makes everything louder. The same comment can roll off you on a good day and wreck you on a depleted one. If you're taking more things personally lately, check how you're sleeping and how much you're carrying.

You can't always stop the first reaction, but you can delay the conclusion. Notice the feeling, name the story you're telling ("they're upset with me"), and hold it as one possibility rather than a fact. Then gather a bit more information before acting on it.

• What actually happened?
• What did I immediately assume it meant?
• What evidence says this is about me?
• What evidence says it might not be?
• What else could explain it?
• Am I reacting to the event, or to being left out?
• How tired or overwhelmed am I right now?
• Does this feel familiar from somewhere else?
• What would I tell a friend in the same situation?
• Do I need to act, ask for clarification, or just give it time?

You can print this page and keep the list handy. Sometimes the answer really is "it's about me," and then you can deal with it directly.

If taking things personally is costing you sleep, relationships or work, or you're often ashamed of how strongly you react, therapy can help. It may be linked to rejection sensitivity, ADHD, anxiety, trauma or simply a long stretch of overload. Try the free criticism check or the feedback or dislike tool, or read why do I cry when I'm criticized?