Are we listening, or just trying to win?

A lot of couples who fight constantly are good communicators. They're articulate, they can explain their position clearly, and they've had the same argument so many times they could recite it. The trouble is that both of them are trying to convince. If both people are building a case, nobody is building understanding.

What convincing looks like

• You're planning your rebuttal while they're still talking.
• You repeat your point with better wording, as if the problem was phrasing.
• You correct the details of their version instead of responding to how it felt.
• The conversation ends when someone gives up, not when anyone feels understood.
• You walk away with a better closing statement and the same problem.

None of this makes you a bad partner. Most people argue this way because at some point, being right felt like the only way to be taken seriously.

What listening looks like

Listening isn't agreeing. You can understand someone's position completely and still disagree with it. The goal is for them to recognize their own view when you describe it back.

A useful test before you respond: can I explain your position in a way you'd agree with? If the answer is no, you're not ready to argue with it yet.

Feeling dismissed is its own problem

Sometimes the argument isn't really about the topic. It's about how it feels to be disagreed with. "You're overthinking it," "That's not what happened," or a sigh before you've finished your sentence can hurt more than the disagreement, because the message underneath is that your reaction doesn't count.

Feeling dismissed doesn't mean you're right about the original issue. Those are two separate conversations, and it helps to have them separately: "I don't need you to agree with me. I need you to stop telling me I'm not allowed to feel this way."

When one person talks faster

In many relationships, one person thinks out loud and quickly and the other needs time. The faster talker tends to win by default, because having more words ready makes a position sound more certain. Being better at talking fast is not the same thing as being more right.

If you're the slower processor, it's reasonable to say, "I want to answer this properly. Give me an hour." If you're the faster one, asking "What am I missing?" will do more than another well-built point.

Before the next argument

Try answering these on your own first, then together if your partner is willing:

1. What am I trying to get you to understand?
2. What do I think you're trying to get me to understand?
3. Can I summarize your position without arguing with it?
4. What part do I agree with, even a little?
5. What feels dismissive to me right now?
6. What would feeling heard look like?
7. What decision actually needs to be made, if any?

The last one matters. Some arguments go in circles because there's nothing to decide, just two people who each want to be understood. Others go in circles because there is a decision, and neither person will say it out loud.

When to get support

If the same fight keeps coming back, there's often a values difference underneath it that neither of you has named. Therapy can help you see your side of the pattern and say what you actually need. Try the conflict reality check, or book a free 15-minute consult.

Start with a conversation. A free 15-minute video call to see whether we're a good fit. Questions first? Email [email protected]. Book a free consult