You can be independent and still want someone beside you

You can be proud of how well you manage on your own and still want someone beside you. Independence and wanting connection aren't opposites. Being capable of doing life alone doesn't mean you have to stop wanting company.

Empowered and lonely at the same time

After leaving a controlling or unhealthy relationship, doing things alone can feel huge: finding your way in a new city, making plans without checking with anyone, handling problems yourself. That pride is real. So are the moments at dinner or on a quiet evening when you wish someone were there. Both can happen in the same afternoon.

"I don't need anyone" isn't the goal

There's a common message that healing means not needing anybody. For people who've been hurt in relationships, that can be appealing, because needing people felt dangerous. But humans do better with connection. Independence is not a vow of permanent solitude.

Dependence, independence and interdependence

• Dependence: you can't function without the other person, and they have a lot of control.
• Independence: you can manage on your own.
• Interdependence: you can manage on your own, and you choose to share the load with people you trust.

Healthy partnership and friendship can reduce the burden of life without taking over your life.

Enjoying solitude without idealizing it

Time alone can be restful and clarifying. It can also be lonely. Both are normal. You don't have to love every quiet evening to prove you've healed.

When to get support

If loneliness keeps pulling you back toward someone who wasn't good for you, read do I miss my ex, or do I miss having someone? or try the What Do I Miss? check. You can also book a free 15-minute consult.

Start with a conversation. A free 15-minute video call to see whether we're a good fit. Questions first? Email [email protected]. Book a free consult